ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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