I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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