You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
