I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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