I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
