If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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