When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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