I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
