Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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