I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
