I just found puke in my bra..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
