dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
