Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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