Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
