He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
