There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
She's JV to your varsity
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
