my room smells like sperm. sweet.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
