bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
