i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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