My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
