Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
