Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
