dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
