I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
