The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
