i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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