at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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