i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
