woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
