Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
