The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
