I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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