Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
