my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
