question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
