our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Randomize
