She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
