Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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