I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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