I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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