I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Randomize
