There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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