do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
