i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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