the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
