My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
