stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
