my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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