dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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