You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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