how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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