We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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