just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
