Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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