One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
